That’s Messed Up

I don't see very many lonely people my age. I'm 30, for reference. I'm on vacation right now, and what I'm noticing is how everybody has somebody — nobody here is alone. It confuses people when I say I'm on my own, like I'm looking for something, like I need something, like I can't just enjoy myself. I've already been asked about feeling lonely, as if it isn't a chronic illness in itself. I call my mom and my sister because they're happy for me in response, but something is always off.

Things could've been different for reasons I cannot control. I love Florida. It's my favourite place to visit. I don't care if I'm happy, I don't care if I'm sad or in a bad place — I feel myself here. But again, something is off. I wish I handled things differently, but I deserve to enjoy myself. I'm telling this story because it doesn't seem to matter to anybody but me. You can say it's self-absorbed, or that it's all my fault, but I think that's wrong.

A few years back, in 2021, I came to Miami with my sister. We booked the night before, so it's not like anyone had been tracking me. We were having a good time — the beach, the pool, shopping. I had an Instagram account that wasn't tied to anyone I knew. You could call it a burner. I had maybe four followers, and we already know how hard it is to build any kind of following these days.

I got a message from a random art account with shitty art. I responded, and shortly after, it messaged me to "send nudes." It made me so angry. One, I shouldn't have been isolated enough to lose an online community or friend group in the first place. Two, the conversation was endearing and then turned for no reason. It's just so wrong, because you should be able to be open to talking to people, to build new circles — but this is what drives the isolation further.

Whatever. I ignored it. Who cares. It's not like my account mattered or had any revealing images, if that's what you're wondering. It just makes you angry. You're on vacation, partying, and you get this message acknowledging you're away, and then boom. It's just so stupid.

That isn't even the worst part. It gets worse.

We got ready and went to the outlets. I looked fly as heck in my Versace outfit and got some new shoes at the store. The security guard talked me up the whole time, even with my sister standing right there. He was cute. He wanted my Instagram, but in the back of my mind I was thinking about how embarrassing it was that I didn't have a proper Instagram to share. Even my sister told me to go for it. I just couldn't deal with it in the moment.

And of course, it gets worse.

We got back to the hotel — this is day one or two, mind you — and there was a Ring doorbell from Amazon attached to the door. Which I found stupid, because there was already a security camera right in front of the hotel room. I didn't even think to take a picture. I just pressed it, thinking, why? This place was nice. It was like a condo with a full kitchen and a balcony, and I wanted to be there the whole trip. Easily one of the nicest places, right in front of the beach. Expensive.

When we asked about it, nobody at the hotel cared. Apparently the room we booked on Expedia was on the condo side, which meant whoever owned the unit could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. They had decided it was normal to put a camera outside our room — and not any other room. We ended up getting kicked out, lost a night we'd paid for, had to stay in a crappy hotel, and then split up for the rest of the trip in separate hotels.

I didn't have a car. I was just in a random hotel in Miami, away from my sister, over something I felt so powerless about. I remember crying in a hotel lobby, sleeping on the couch, because I didn't know how to confront my sister about what was going on — because it didn't even make sense to me.

And it makes no sense to anyone I tell, because there are so many factors that could've contributed to that moment — but in the end, it's my fault, right? I'm single, and I fear that's forever. Single in the sense that I've given up on a meaningful connection, because I'm so complex. In the end, someone can only meet you as much as they've met themselves. But what happens when you know yourself so deeply that you might never change enough to let anything bigger in? These small setbacks are huge for someone whose world is already small. I'm not sensitive in the sense that I can't take a joke — literally, I can handle anything at this point, so don't even try me. That's what I'm saying.

So what if I travel alone? Yeah, it's lonely. But why do I have to stop my life because I have no one to share it with? Yeah, it's dangerous. Yeah, it's risky. You just have to pick places where you feel safe, where you know nobody is going to harm you. I hope maybe a year from now, I can look back and think — yeah, I'm still proud of myself. Just like that year when I was here. Things might not have changed entirely, but it's still a comparison that I find shocking, in my own sense.

Huge thing: I ended up having to get my nail fixed while I'm here, and the man doing my nails told me it takes a lot of power for someone to travel alone. Which is why I'm writing this now. I feel powerful on my own. And also extremely powerless. I don’t think anyone should stop you from being yourself, and that’s what put me in this situation, it was always about me and my art and for some reason that was never enough.